That most wonderful time of the year is nearly upon us. No, I’m not talking about Christmas, but rather Halloween. I like it. Unlike Easter, Deepavali, Hari Raya, or Yom Kippur it is not in the pocket of one of the major established religions. Oh, I’m sure some nutjob cult claims it to be their religious festival, but in reality it is nothing more than a chance for anyone who wants to blow off a little steam to do so. There is candy, nothing wrong with candy. There are scary costumes, and who doesn’t like a good fright now and then? There are parties that do not require some measure of religious zeal (or guilt), and it is okay if you don’t spend it with your family. All in all, seems to me to be a harmless chance to have a bit of fun. Unfortunately though, Halloween is being ruined. Thanks to Hollywood and other media entities, the scare is being taken out of the whole affair. Twilight has gone and ruined vampires. When a kid knocks on the door with coiffed hair, glitter all over him and a sultry look I’m not thinking vampire. Nope, I’m thinking it was a bad idea to hold a gay pride rally on the same day as Halloween. True Blood hasn’t helped either, cheap costume though. Dress in everyday clothes, buy a cheap pair of plastic vampire fangs and yell ‘Sookie!’ every now and again. Could go as a werewolf, I suppose. However, I expect to see half a dozen young men running around in cutoff jeans, shirtless with washboard abs, thanks to Twilight’s Jacob. I’m all for gay rights, but this could get very confusing.
There probably will be a couple of kids covered in sheets with eye holes cut out in them. I swear though, if I comment on how good a ghost they are and they reply that they are not a ghost but “a manifestation of ectoplasmic energy coalesced to form a visible apparition through the power of angst and sheer life force”, I’m giving them the box of raisins and keeping the Mars bar for myself. I’m also going to ask for the names and address of any parents who dress their kid up as Steve Jobs in an attempt to be morbidly humorous. I have a case of toilet paper, and I’m not afraid to use it. Kids who dress up as superheroes (it is Halloween, not Comic Con) are going to have to work for their treats. I’m going to make them work for the candy, by having them show me their superpowers. I live on the ninth floor, so good luck at that flying Thor, Superman, Iron Man, and Batman. Wait, I might just give Batman a pass. It is after all based on a man who witnesses the tragic murder of his parents, has a psychotic break, dresses up as a bat and becomes a vigilante without thought for the rule of law. Scary.
Talking about scary, here are some costume ideas I have come up with for those still facing the dilemma. Casey Anthony, now there’s a scary one. All you have to do is try to dress contrite, fake remorse, and stare blankly at people talking to each other. Occasionally burst into sobbing tears like the verdict has been read, and smile wanly at anyone who looks your way. Psychopaths like John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy, and Jeffrey Dhamer got theirs. She’s out there, and that scares the hell out of me. Another scary one, Dr Conrad Murray. For this Mr Sandman-esque costume, all you need is a copy of the Hippocratic oath on a placard with a big red cross through it and a fistful of cash. Just like a sadistic dentist, pyromaniacal fireman and a fitness instructor, a death-dealing doctor is the stuff of nightmares.
Of course you don’t have to dress up as a person to elicit fear. How about SARS, N1H1 or any other ABC virulent disease. Not as a victim of these diseases, mind you. There’s a good chance that if you go around knocking on doors displaying the symptoms of these diseases that you’re going to end up in some sterile CDC hospital. No, go as the diseases themselves. I mean malaria kills nearly 800 000 people a year. Getting the costume right might mean having to crack open a medical text-book or two, but I’m sure there is an app for that. Talking of apps, why not dress up as an iPhone or iPad. There’s something scary. Here you can run the whole gamut of evil in the world. Repressive Chinese labour practices, capitalism unchained, environmental degradation due to the disposal of previous models, the devolution of face to face social communication, and the creation of knobs who think they are all that because they’ve got their hands on the latest versions. Yup, I like Halloween. It is getting harder though. Oh, you’re a witch. No, I’m a wiccan. Vampire? Nope, just the emo-kid delivering the pizza. Who are you supposed to be? I’m Bella from Twilight. Me too, and me! She’s not even scary, just Kristen Stewart’s acting is. Not looking forward to opening the door to a gang of Spidermen, ranging from the tall gangly kid a foot above all the others in his grade to the fat kid with half his stomach not even covered by the costume. Not even going to open the door for anyone dressed in a mask from the Scream movies, a plot hole that seems to have evaded the writers of the series. Zombies, nah, I see one every morning when I look in the mirror. The only sure way of getting any candy off me in this year of economic realities is to dress as a clown. They scare me.
A lot.
“When a kid knocks on the door with coiffed hair, glitter all over him and a sultry look I’m not thinking vampire. Nope, I’m thinking it was a bad idea to hold a gay pride rally on the same day as Halloween. ”
That is just too funny. (And true, but mostly funny.)